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GMD Verdict  

Review of Hagges SE
"santa's little colorblind elves jerked off all over this map"
Map Name   Hagges SE (haggesse_pt1.bsp)
Map Author   Chamooze
Download (1.18mb)
Reviewer   Who
Reviewed on   Sat Dec 27 08:50:56 2003

What do you think when you hear the word "Hagges?" The snug little map full of crates, or a Scotch pudding made of the heart, liver, lights, etc., of a sheep or lamb, minced with suet, onions, oatmeal, etc., highly seasoned, and boiled in the stomach of the same animal?

Well if you're reading this, it's probably the former. If not, you're in for a bit of a letdown, although I don't think that visually there is much of a difference between the two.

Oh, jokes in the first two paragraphs of the review? Must seem like a good map, right? Well if you're a fan of the first hagges, then you may be a fan of this revision. If you weren't, I'd suggest never loading the map. Let's review first what the old hagges was all about!


  • Narrow and low corridors

  • Crates

  • Some sort of acid creation that floods a whole level

  • Glass support-rails.

  • Glass walls

  • Surprisingly, no glass crates

  • Nonsensical architecture

  • r_speeds lower than Echon's dignity

Well, the positive thing is that HaggesSe_pt1 is NOT exactly like that. The negative thing is that it's worse. That's why I and my trusty companion, the bottle full of alcohol, dared to voyage into this Scotch pudding... mmmm... wait, no, the map it was.

I am first going to focus on the architecture, because that is roughly the same, and therefore I'll have less to explain. Like mentioned above, it is narrow. And low. They are so small that any claustrophobic person playing this map would gurgle out saliva and convulse in the chair like a mouse that just had 100,000 Volt shot through its body. If you are not claustrophobic, then you will probably just get a headache. I'll only get a headache when I'll wake tomorrow morning.

"But Mr. Reviewer, what about the areas of the map with giant op.." SHUT UP BOTTLE! I am so going to drink you.

Anyway, contrary to logical reasoning, there are areas that are not build like a claustrophobic nightmare. Those are not much better, though, as they only look like big open areas. Almost like the big open area in this bottle that seems to grow every minute.


What should I tell next? Oh, I thought of something! Remember how I mentioned that hagges has low r_speeds? When I looked at this map, I was surprised how simple everything was designed, as if it were made of a toddler's first building blocks. Or the second building blocks. Whichever has more shitty colors.

Because of that, you'd expect it to have low r_speeds? My friend the bottle sure seems to think so. Well you can expect them until you are dead, because you're not going to get them. This wonderful map has r_speeds nearly as great as the count of shitty maps Cataclaw has released. Nearly.

And you know what? There is absolutely no indication of what causes these r_speeds, because there is no goddamn architecture in this map. At first I thought it could be the cafeteria with chairs and tables and a wooden cabinet. But that wouldn't explain why the r_speeds are high in nearly every part of the map! Maybe it's those random cars that violate the scenery in various areas? Unlikely, because those cars only look like they have 50 r_speeds AT MOST! I wasn't nearly drunk enough then to examine every part of the map that close, but now with alcohol flowing in my veins I have reached the conclusion that the author just can't map. By that I mean Quake2 probably sees from the human base straight through to the alien base without anything blocking the visibility. There isn't nearly enough alcohol in my veins to get me to test this statement, so just take my bottle's assurance that it is in fact valid.

"But Mr. Reviewer, doesn't it seem dishonest to put an unresear.." SHUT UP I SAID!

This map was released December 23rd. Anyone who hadn't decorated their christmas tree by then could have just taken screenshots of this map, printed them out and ram them through various branches. There'd be no different to real christmas lights, except that the colors of the screenshots are much more vibrant. You don't even have to be drunk to see this prismatic witchcraft!

Sourceless lights and illplaced colors are a "feature" of this map. Epileptics rejoice at the fact that at least these colors don't randomly turn on and off.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, acid container, hahahahahahahahaha....

My god, I don't think there is any way to describe this map, so i'll just link to random screenshots with comments on them!

User comments:
I think who sums it up kinda nice. Um but lets throw in the mis aligned ven... - Xiane [more]
Shut up Xiane, only nerds use areaportals and hint brushes:P. - Nunca
This review is utterly stupid. And so is the GMD if they are accepting revie... - Kryb [more]
whosoup makes sux review - switen
Its a good review, but kinda long. Keep it shorter next time. Maybe I should... - Saig [more]
I have to agree with Kryb.. little mention of gameplay which is indeed t... - Cataclaw [more]

Your name:

Comment on this review:

Average rating for Hagges SE: 3.9/10


Total: 17 ratings

Comment: Bland, repetitive, boring. Grey. Bricks. Etc.

Cube Cube

Comment: Well it's similar to Hagges, but I haven't played this, so I'll give the author the benefit of the doubt... oh wait, there are VENTS! And CRATES!


Comment: This is a "SE," it has ACID, SOURCELESS LIGHTS, VENTS, CRATES, CARPETS (ok so this is creative), and a MINI-GOLF COURSE (this is creative too).


Comment: Do not attempt to play sober.
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