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GMD Verdict  

Review of Chokepoint Jamboree
"Goodnight bitches...a final, self-review of the worst map ever."
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Map Name   Chokepoint Jamboree (choke-b.bsp)
Map Version   06-20-2004
Map Author   Saig
Download   choke-b.zip (2.2mb)
 
Reviewer   Saig
Reviewed on   Mon Sep 17 01:13:57 2007
This map earns the GMD Seal of Approval!

Didnt expect me back did you fuckers? I dont want to be back, nor do I play Gloom at all anymore, but I found the link to the review login on my bookmarks earlier and decided why the fuck not.

Probably the last and least inspiration review Im going to be delivering today...is none other than my final masterpiece-of-shit Chokepoint Jamboree. I will flat out tell you right now that you shouldnt play this map EVER. I spent probably 4 months total working on it, and I dont know what for. What was the purpose of building a purposefully shitty map? What was my initiative? Ill tell you why.

Because I hated the shit out of a whole fuckton of the Gloom community.

I dont know if it is elitism or not, or just a nostalgic yearning for what Gloom used to be, but what Gloom had become I hated it. I hated it more than R1CH's maps. I hated it more than if fucking Siege and Bitter fucked eachother in the ass and made eachother pregnant, then both had abortions and let the abortions fuck eachother to create some inbred aborted fetus the size of a chick pea and looks like Quato from fucking Total Recall.

Gloom was always about stealth and teamwork, but what it became when I was making this map, was a big clusterfuck of dickholes firing into a single corridor. Chokepoints evidently became a huge appeal to the masses, and I couldnt understand why. Sure it was fun here and there, a good old Gloom2 fuckfest at the entrance to the Human base was always good for about an hour or so worth of laughs and carnage, but it gets old. Really fucking old. But nobody really cared, instead people voted off good maps just to go right back to that shitty fucker maps consisting of basically two fucking rooms with one hallway between them and a single door.

Wonderful.

Chokepoints became all the rage, and the brainless fun became a staple in Gloom gameplay. Maps with actual layouts and attack routes were simply "too large" or "have too many places to build bases", and were therefore disregarded. Instead people preferred the equivalent of sticking a straw up a fat strippers asshole and aimlessly trying to suck out the bits of corn embedded in their stool.

SO...that is my explanation. Thats why I made Chokepoint Jamboree. You all like chokepoints? I gave you a fucking chokepoint. The biggest god damn chokepoint ever made.

What did I hear though? Suggestions to make it a non-chokepoint. People wanting other paths so that it WASNT a chokepoint. What in the fuck.

Now that you have had a chance to look at it from my perspective, lets just get the review out of the way before my fingers get tired.

Visually, I made it as stunning as I could at the time being. I wanted it to look great, but still play like shit, in complete contrast to other more famous chokepoint maps. Instead of an ugly pile of brocolli-infused shit with a chokepoint people loved to camp, I composed a decent looking map with sharp visuals and lighting, but that which played like shit. I did like how the outdoor areas turned out, as well as the sewer-ish areas near the Alien base, as the atmosphere was exactly what I had in mind. The rest of the level looks good as well, but like in the Human base its more-or-less standard base compositions, just infused with extra eyecandy.

Layout is what it is. Horrible. Completely horrible. I gave my justification for the layout in the huge fucking rant at the top of the article, so if you skipped down here just to see the meat of the review, get the fuck back up there and read it. There are no alternate paths, there are no vents, its just one big ass hallway with details and some places to build structures. Thats it. After you have run through the map in noclip mode just to see what it looks like, thats all you need in order to delete the map for eternity. You can try to play a game on it, but I bet 30 minutes in after one side has been camped in by another, a unanimous vote to end the map will eventually arise. Get fucked.

Creativity I guess has some place in this. It really wasnt creative, there are no neat features or anything, it just looks nice. The reason for building the map like so could be considered creative, but it really comes off more as being a dick for making the map this way. Sorry, really I am.

R_speeds get a little high in some areas, I didnt anticipate the map to be as large as it became, and required numerous retooling to actually fit it onto the mapgrid. The large sewer area was somewhat of an issue I tried to fix, but in the end I said fuck it, because Quake2 is older than the Civil War....battle re-enactment I saw years ago where some kid got hit in the face with one of those rifles by accident and I laughed so fucking hard because it was a fucking battle, and he collapsed to the ground for real and all the other soldiers pretending to be dead got up to check on him. The whole fucking thing was surreal.

So there you have it. A map basically in honor of the shitty people who eventually flooded Gloom and lead to its demise. I dont really care that Gloom has died out considerably, except maybe in Europe yall are crazy lol, but it still is sad to have it completely expunged from my life. Maybe thats for the better. Im glad some people appreciated the work I put into this, and I was pretty proud of the map in some weird way, but ultimately it was a big waste of time. Whatever joy can you squeeze from this map's being I give you credit, because every game I played on it was a complete and utter misery that made me want to stick my face into a lawnmower and then suck up the brain matter with my asshole, reverse-digest it and then vomit it out of the stump where my head used to be.

(Drops microphone)

And Im done. Peace out.

Also...hahah Seal of Approval. Approved my ASS...


User comments:
I agree with you.Gloom used to be fucking awesome.Now its just CS on steroids. - Vitae
indeed. sad that its come to that. thanks for the comment - Saig
Needs more chokepoints - MuteMode
Get rid of that one path. - Ranger

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Comment on this review:

Average rating for Chokepoint Jamboree: 5.7/10

Rate-O-Map™

Total: 16 ratings
 
Textures
Cube Cube Cube Cube

Comment: What the fuck ever I spent forever making things look good. If you cant appreciate it you can go fuck yourself.

Layout

Comment: Hahah ok sorry, yeah I fucked it up really bad, for a reason. Read the article for why things must be this way.

Creativity
Cube Cube

Comment: Really not creative at all in my opinion. It has some interesting visuals here and there but overall not enough to make it standout.

Overall
Cube

Comment: Its pretty bad. Apologies again, but still it serves its purpose. Exit stage left.
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