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GMD Verdict  

Review of The Lost Planet: Zeqet Erelium V
"If you ate a bunch of brushes, with food coloring and hot sauce, this is what would come out in your shit...."
Map Name   The Lost Planet: Zeqet Erelium V (speedse.bsp)
Map Version   13/12/01
Map Author   R1CH
Web page   Click here.
Download (1.3mb)
Reviewer   Saig
Reviewed on   Wed Jan 16 20:48:15 2002
This map earns the GMD Seal of Approval!

Yah, I know. What the hell am I doing a review of this map for when Cataclaw already reviewed it? Because, that review was a giant pile of steaming sarcasm, and deserves to be trashed along with this map Im about to review. Welcome to the world of SpeedSE, where your wildest dreams come true...then melt out of your ears in a fascinating mixture of blood and disintegrated brain matter.

As if you hadnt already guessed, R1CH really out of his way to make this one hell of a disgusting map. And it truly is. Paper thin brushes, horrendous texture choices and alignment, and to top it off, the standard fare of "R1CH Lighting", which means loading this map automatically entitles you for a handicap permit. Yes, now you too can park with the grannies, and talk about such things as shopping coupons and grandchildren. Thanks R1CH! As if society wasnt already messed up enough, now you have to go and cripple a whole bunch of computer gamers just to fullfill your sadistic desires.

Speaking of sadistic, lets move onto the layout (or lack of it). I didnt really know where I was going in this level at first, due to the regenerating spikers and the wraith bombs that just dropped out of thin air. After getting out of the Human base, I stumbled around from one multi-colored room to the next, wondering when the nightmare would end. Of course, I then came across the Spider base. I sat for a moment, watching that platform spin...watching the eggs spin...watching the spikers spin. All this collaborating with a catchy music loop, and a gargantuan *green* strobe light. I found it pretty funny really. It was one of the g'damned funniest things I had seen recently. After making that observation, I then thought about the rest of the level, and began lauging until my lungs hurt and my bladder became aggitated. Enter bathroom break, and end of reviewing the layout.

Creativity abound here. Sure, you think anybody could make a pile of vomit such as this if they wanted. But the truth is, only R1CH is capable of making such a map. Any other mapper with an inch of respect for their work would not be able to churn out anything remotely close to this. Trust me, Ive tried, and came up with lackluster results (unless you count tfh). One notable feature of this map are the great music loops randomly placed around the map. They go really well with the increasingly annoying multi-colored strobe lights. Its probably comparable to going to a rave with infared goggles on.

Im not going to even mention r_speeds. They didnt bother me nearly as much as the levels visuals, but I will say this. All those lights can hit your framerate, unless youve got a "Ripflex" system *groan*.

And now Ive run out of steam, and patience. Much like how I felt while playing this level. R1CH, you need to actually "try" and make a playable level. Youve proven that you can make maps that will benefit many eye doctors around the world, but how about attempting a real, honest-to-goodness playable map. Then when the horrible results come out, I can REALLY bash the map instead of reviewing a map that was initially designed to be horrible.

Seal of Approval? Sure! Why not have a little sarcasm in the review. Hi Cataclaw...

User comments:
Saig brings justice to this map...and my speed map was the first map to ... - MuteMode [more]
music loops good! and yes, a real map is coming... "soon". - R1CH
Why Saig! I'm shocked... how dare you trash the great SpeedSE ;) - Cataclaw
Will the sarcasm never end! ARGH! - Saig
This map is quite funny to play once in a while.. love that disco music - Brolli
so many ratings to this... - Ranger
I guess R1CH is an eye doctor himself and he just cheats money from us w... - Krybosis [more]

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Comment on this review:

Average rating for The Lost Planet: Zeqet Erelium V: 5.4/10


Total: 102 ratings

Comment: One cube for that AOL texture, even if it wasnt aligned...I think? I cant remember, this map melted too many brain cells that I cant remember the map much at all anymore. Maybe thats a good thing.


Comment: Lets just say that the rotating platform in the Spider base is enough to justify the 0 cube score Im giving here.


Comment: Cant say Ive seen something this horrible ever before....unless you count speed.bsp. No this is worse, which makes it creatively sadistic and hurtful. One cube for the funky music loops.


Comment: Deserves NO cubes overall. A lot of effort was put into making this map terrible and agnoizing, for which to put the community through. Ingenious plan, and it almost worked, except the map hasnt been played enough times to really torture anyone, except me, who has to review it.
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